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The third movie in the Fifty Shades saga—really, this is a saga—comes out February 9, just in time for ironic Valentine’s Day plans. Thus, I—an entertainment writer and self-respecting lover of terrible movies—have decided it’s high time lớn finally watch them, taking on Fifty Shades of GreyFifty Shades Darker in the weeks before the finale comes lớn theaters so that I’ll be ready when things finally… climax.

If you’re unfamiliar, Fifty Shades of Grey (based on an online erotic story turned mainstream bestseller) follows college senior Anastasia Steele, who substitutes for her roommate at the last minute lớn 27-year-old billionaire Christian Grey. The two of them have chemistry, and go on a dates, but Grey is kinky, with an interest in BDSM, và Ana is a virgin who veers a little prudish. He buys her a máy vi tính and a car và shows up at random locations in her life to woo her. She experiments with his dominant proclivities, but is ultimately a little uncomfortable with it when he spanks her and she realizes how much he enjoys it. She leaves his apartment. Fin.

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That’s it! That’s the whole plot! Two attractive, trắng twentysomethings who toy with the idea of dating but ultimately suffer from misaligned sexual preferences. And although Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan looked famously miserable during their press tour, lacking what most people would call “chemistry” or “basic human emotion” (the vibe is lượt thích polite acquaintances stuck in an elevator), I have lớn say I sort of loved Johnson’s performance: like she can’t believe this is a movie either.

The truth is, it’s not a bad movie. Really! It’s aggressively fine. Its cardinal sin is that there’s hardly enough movie to lớn go on at all: it’s like a lãng mạn comedy minus all of the contrived shenanigans và also minus the comedy. Và so I didn’t hate it… but I did have some questions, such as:

Ana’s roommate is writing an article for the college about Christian Grey, but she was sick on the day their was scheduled so Ana agreed khổng lồ go and the businessman using the list of questions her roommate had ready. That’s a little strange; as someone who people professionally, I would never send my non-reporter roommate to lớn go talk to a source. Why wouldn’t they send another reporter from the Or reschedule the Or bởi it on the phone? Or vì it via thư điện tử (which they over up doing anyway because Ana does such a terrible job)? But the real weirdness is a brief throwaway line as Ana leaves khổng lồ talk to lớn Christian: “You can take my car,” Ana’s roommate says. And Anastasia does. She drives her roommate’s car to Seattle lớn see Christian. But… why?

Anastasia has a car. She has a xanh car. We see it in the opening scene, when she’s leaving campus to go back to her apartment. It isn’t as nice as her roommate’s car, sure, và you might, justifiably, extrapolate that her car isn’t in good-enough shape lớn make it to Seattle. But it is! Ana drives her xanh car khổng lồ Christian’s office later in the movie. I cannot figure out why Ana would not drive her own car. And so, from this movie’s very opening moments, I was confused and disoriented, lượt thích I had been blindfolded in a stranger’s sex room.

Hear me out. When Anastasia is leaving khổng lồ go vì her roommate’s for her (in her roommate’s car), she kisses her on the head. I lived with a roommate in york for two years. She và I are good friends, & we have been friends since college. I have never once kissed her on the head. I don’t think I have ever kissed someone on the head who is not a romantic partner. It is an intimate gesture, like picking lint off someone’s suit jacket.

And their familiarity goes even further: Ana’s roommate steals a sandwich that Ana made herself, lifting it from the plate while flirtily raising her eyebrows. & she applies lipgloss directly lớn Ana’s lips while the two are getting ready. & now I ask you: why vày you think Ana is still a virgin at 22? She’s not religious, and she has an active social life with her friends. I’m not saying it’s in any way atypical for someone to graduate college without having sex, but I’m also positing it’s possible Anastasia hasn’t found a man she truly connected with because she was looking for a man. Maybe instead of overthinking Christian Grey’s man-child tendencies và forcing herself to become comfortable with a sexual dynamic that doesn’t turn her on, she should look inside and examine her own sexuality.

Christian Grey is a tech billionaire, running what we’re told is a very successful company. And yet every single person we see in his employ is a stick-thin, gorgeous woman in porn-high heels. How is that not a red flag? Does he ask for photographs with resumes? I wanted the plot of this movie lớn be about a size-8 brunette with an amazing background in business admin who doesn’t make it past the stage of the hiring process & files a major lawsuit.

Anastasia even gets the whole vibe và Christian doesn’t correct her. When he offers her an internship (creepy), Ana replies that she wouldn’t fit in there. “Look at me,” she says. Not, “Oh, I’m actually not a business major,” or “Actually, I’m not really interested in telecommunications or whatever.” No, her answer is, I am not attractive enough lớn get an internship at this business where it seems female employees are hired for their attractiveness. And Christian doesn’t correct her! He’s not like, “What do you mean? We hire interns based on their resumes và intelligences & you seem very on-the-ball” or whatever. He just goes, “I am,” & gives her a smoldering gaze, completely reinforcing the we-only-hire-based-on-looks thing.

Danny Elfman did the music for this movie?!

This is a question I asked out loud as the opening credits came across the screen. He did!

Doesn’t Anastasia need ID to get into the building?

This is the headquarters of a major business enterprise, and Anastasia is impersonating someone in order to get inside. Literally, when she arrives, Christian’s model-assistant calls her by her roommate’s name which implies that her roommate never sent a quick e-mail to let anyone know that someone else would be coming in her place. We already established how weird it is that she sent her roommate và not another reporter, but now I have khổng lồ wonder how lax security is at Grey HQ.

I know that Anastasia is not a professional reporter và this is her first, but what the screenwriters presumably believed was flirty banter is actually just extremely rude và made me very uncomfortable. She asks about his incredible success, và then goes, “Maybe you’re just lucky.” Excuse me, Ana. He is a 27-year old billionaire giving you a minutes of his time to lớn conduct an in-person for a student “Maybe you’re just lucky”? & then she also asks if he’s gay, which again, was on the danh sách that her roommate gave her, but that các mục was very long, và they only got through lượt thích three questions. Anastasia easily could have skipped that one, realizing that it’s not a polite thing to ask a person you just met.

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So, just to lớn recap, Ana’s roommate is writing an article for the school paper about Christian Grey, famous billionaire. And, for some reason, we learn that she’s having trouble clearing some pictures of him lớn go with the piece. This allows Christian khổng lồ spend more time with Ana by agreeing to vị an impromptu photoshoot, but also: what the hell? How are there no photos available of a famous billionaire? What does this school paper normally use? There are numerous archives và photo services lượt thích Getty for this very purpose. And Ana’s roommate literally mentions seeing photos of Christian: she told Ana that she thought he was gay because she never saw him with any women in society pictures. Someone who is the number-one most eligible bachelor in America (according a website we see) và who’s getting paparazzi photos taken of him should have some damn pictures available for a article. At this point, I just sort of realized maybe Ana’s roommate is… terrible at doing her basic job?

At their first, Christian is extremely flirty, and he asks Anastasia out to lớn coffee. But two minutes into their date, before she even takes a bite of muffin, Ana casually mentions that she’s sort of a romantic & Christian literally goes “I’ll walk you out,” like they’re on SNL‘s parodies of The Bachelor và she just admitted she actually has curly hair. That is not normal or polite date behavior—if someone says something that makes you think, “Oh, this probably won’t work in the long or short term,” the nice thing to vì chưng is politely finish your coffee, give them a hug, and move on with your life. Ending the date that very moment is the most drama queen behavior I have ever seen.

He tells her that he’s bad for her & they shouldn’t date. Okay, a little harsh, but fine. Và then he sends her a very expensive gift: first editions of her favorite book. This is a romantic gift! It’s a gift for someone you’ve been dating for years. MIXED SIGNAL. & then Ana drunk-dials him, which college kids bởi vì sometimes, và instead of politely hanging up & allowing her lớn move on with her life, he shows up at the college bar and brings her back to his khách sạn room where he is very sexual và very flirty. Và then the “I don’t bởi vì romance” guy takes her out on a date on a private helicopter ride. He is literally The Bachelor, a show that is all about pretending lớn be romantic.

So get your story straight, Christian: vày you vị romance or don’t you? He explicitly says, “I don’t vì chưng flowers,” but how are first editions of someone’s favorite book any less “romantic”? Does he know what that word means?

So Ana goes out lớn a bar with her friends, gets very drunk, và drunkenly calls Christian who picks her up & brings her back to his hotel to sleep it off (he also changed her into pajamas which feels excessively wrong). Và Christian also sends his driver khổng lồ get more clothes for her since she vomited on her outfit from last night. A questions here: first, the undressing—yeesh, right? But also, did the driver go pick up clothes Ana already owns from her house? How would he know where Anastasia lives? She’s a college student who’s moving out of her presumable student housing after graduation, so it’s not like it would be on her driver’s license. Did you have your college dorm on your driver’s license? No. How did Christian’s driver get in her house? Did her roommate let in a strange man she had never seen before who said he wanted to take some clothes? What the hell. & how is breaking into her trang chủ to steal some clothes any easier than washing the clothes that had vomit on them? They’re in a hotel; they probably have a laundry service, or Christian is rich enough to lớn send it out special. If his driver bought clothes for her, how the hell would he have known what form size she is? Did Christian make his driver examine the labels on the insides of a strange girl’s vomit-encrusted clothes?

And then to lớn make things weirder: Ana is still wearing the outfit Christian’s driver picked out when she và Christian go on their date that night. Did she not shower? She had a disgusting, vomit-y drunken night! Or did she shower và get back in the clothes a random stranger pulled for her? Why would she vày that? I mean, you’d think you’d want lớn get more dressed up for your first real date with someone. Was Christian’s driver’s taste that good that he happened to lớn randomly pull exactly the outfit she would have chosen lớn wear?

After their sex night, Ana wears the classic “morning after sex” movie outfit of just a man’s white button-down shirt & begins cooking breakfast, barefoot in his kitchen, while nhảy đầm along khổng lồ music. How is she comfortable enough to vì chưng this? What 22-year-old virgin has the confidence to lớn wake up in a strange man’s apartment, after a first date, find his music player, play music, và begin preparing an elaborate homemade breakfast? That’s incredible, sociopathic confidence.

A car is a major purchase and piece of property. Obviously, it’s understood in this universe that Christian is very controlling & so I’m less concerned with questioning the morality of selling someone’s oto without them asking và more concerned with the logistics. How do you sell someone’s oto without their knowledge?! Did Christian steal the keys? Cars have titles, and registration, và ownership. No reputable dealer will accept a clearly stolen car from a middle-aged man claiming lớn be a 22-year-old named Anastasia Steele. Did Christian clean out her personal belongings? Didn’t she have things in her car—CDs? gym clothes? Anastasia is a little miffed when she finds out they sold her car so she can’t get it back, & she asks for the money they sold it for, which, yes, hello, of course belongs khổng lồ her. But she should have been freaking out because stealing her oto is literally insane.

For a movie ostensibly all about BDSM, Fifty Shades of Grey is shockingly prudish. It treats BDSM as an alien anomaly, a strange character defect and not a very common sexual fetish. It’s like, a category on porn sites. Sure, it’s usually a private thing because most people’s sex lives are private, but private isn’t the same as outrageously taboo.

You know how The Walking Dead exists in a universe where zombies don’t exist as a cultural touchstone? I have lớn imagine that the same is true for Fifty Shades of Grey & BDSM. Why else vị they treat getting turned on by domination & submission as an outrageously deviant burden? It’s not like Christian Grey is a He just has a Fetlife profile, and the money to lớn upgrade from “Velcro on the bedposts” to “sex room.”

Fifty Shades of Grey also has this weird perspective where they see the submissive side of BDSM as total martyrdom, letting yourself be hurt to lớn bring the other person pleasure. But… people are turned on by submission too. A lot of people. BDSM is about finding people who are turned on by power & domination & pairing them with people who are turned on by obedience and pain. If it doesn’t turn Anastasia on, she shouldn’t vị it. Period. BDSM isn’t a sacrifice that she should be making for không tính tiền cars. At one point she literally asks, “What vì chưng I get out of it?” & Christian Grey goes, “Me.” That is not the correct answer at all! At that point he should have sat her down and said, “Oh, this is actually supposed to lớn be pleasurable for both parties, and we should talk about things that turn you on in order khổng lồ make this satisfying all around.” Sex shouldn’t be a thing she has to endure in order khổng lồ spend time with him. He shouldn’t be blackmailing her with their relationship khổng lồ get to lớn whip her. But that’s what he does! & it’s very weird!

So it’s strange that neither of them seems aware that there are people who enjoy being submissives in BDSM relationships, but it’s also strange that the climax (sorry) of this movie comes about when she asks him to spank her, & he does, và then she freaks out. Anastasia literally asks Christian khổng lồ spank her because she wants to feel what turns him on, the thing that drives him. He tells her he is going to spank her with a flogger six times. He spanks her with a flogger six times. And then Ana becomes furious and kink-shames him all over the place saying things like, “This is what you like??? This is what turns you on??? Hurting me??? Seeing me lượt thích this!?!?!?”

And it’s like…. Girl. That’s what BDSM is. You asked him to vày that. He did. You have safe words—”yellow” for when you’re getting concerned, và “red” for when you want lớn stop—and you didn’t use them. So, yes. You should leave. Obviously you và Christian have completely incompatible sexual preferences in this bizarro vanilla universe.

No than three times in this movie does Christian find Anastasia at some location even though she didn’t tell him where she was going khổng lồ be. The first is at the hardware store—even though she had told him she worked at a hardware store, she didn’t tell him which one. The second is at the bar, where she drunk-dialed him. The third is mother-effing Georgia, where she’s visiting her mother. Not only does he actually fly across the country, but he’s able to lớn show up at the exact restaurant where Ana is eating.

Ethics of his stalking aside, I see a more sinister underlying subtext: digital surveillance. It’s incredibly vague what Christian’s company does. He’s a billionaire with investments all over the world, but the most detail we get is “telecommunications.” I posit lớn you that Christian and his company have the resources to monitor the location of every single cell phone in the country, & the infrastructure so that giải pháp công nghệ is readily available for their CEO lớn access.

Fifty Shades of Grey is not a boring film about a couple discussing their turn-ons; it’s a subtle và deceptive film about the nguồn we’ve given giải pháp công nghệ companies over our lives. It’s basically Citizenfour. I humbly contend that Fifty Shades of Grey is the best Black Mirror episode lớn date, where the exploration of the insidiousness of giải pháp công nghệ is lurking, almost invisibly, in the background, behind all of the talk about butt plugs.